Nothing To Live For
by ducktapedmoose
Summary: Harm comes back from flying, expecting Mac to be there for him, but finds out that he might lose her forever.


Scared  
  
Summary: Harm leaves and comes back, wanting Mac to be there. She's going out with Brumby(gag!), and he might lose her forever. Timeframe: Harm coming back from flying. (Duh!)  
  
A/N: This is just a short thing that I wanted to get out before I start my next huge production. Just something I thought of on a sleepless night...  
  
October 6, 2000 Naval Base Washington,DC  
  
Harmon Rabb,Jr walked out to the parking lot. He saw his car, which was a welcome sight after being away for so long. He couldn't wait to see Mac, especially since a lot of thinking time aboard the USS Patrick Henry had made him realize that he was in love with her. He got in his car to go to JAG and see everybody before his official first day back the next day. He planned on telling Mac how he felt about her as soon as he could pull her into her office and get her alone. He turned on the radio, to ease his nerves.  
  
Desperate for changing Starving for truth Closer where i Started Chasing after you  
  
i'm falling even more in love with you letting go of all i've held onto i'm standing here until you make me move i'm hanging by a moment here with you  
  
i'm living for the only thing i know i'm running and not quite sure where to go i don't know what i'm diving into just hanging by a moment here with you  
  
just hanging by a moment hanging by a moment.. hanging by a moment... hanging by a moment here with you..  
  
Harm felt a new sense of resolve. He wanted Sarah Elaine MacKenzie, and he was going to let her know. He knew that he had another chance to win the woman that he loved, and he was going to take it.  
  
JAG Headquarters Falls Church, VA  
  
Sarah MacKenzie walked into her office. Harm was coming back tomorrow. She would have been excited, but she would have to tell him about her boyfriend, and the fact that she was moving with him to Australia. This was her last week at JAG, and Harm didn't know that. She took a deep breath. At least she wouldn't have to do it until tomorrow. Suddenly, she heard a series of cheers erupt from the Bullpen. She wondered what could possibly make all those people cheer like that. Walking out of her office and scanning the Bullpen, she saw him. Harm was back early. Oh,no. He saw her and headed her way. She was glad to see him, but also dreading what she had to tell him now. He reached her, smiling, and pulled her into a big hug. She hugged him back, burying her face in his shoulder. He pulled away, still holding her.  
  
"Mac, I need to tell you something. Come on." He pulled her into her office, closing the door and blinds, waving to his friends in the Bullpen.  
  
"I have to tell you something too, Harm. You should go first,though." She sat in one of the two chairs in front of her desk, and Harm sat in the other. He took her hand, and said softly,  
  
"Sarah, I need you. The time at sea made me realize that I love you and I can't live without you anymore. I'm sorry that I left, but I will never fly or go anywhere again, because I love you and want to make you happy. I want us to have a baby and live together forever. What do you say, Sarah?" She just looked at him. This is what she'd wanted him to say months ago, and though she still loved him, she couldn't do this. He was jerking her around too much. No.  
  
"Harm, I'm sorry, but I'm involved with Mic. I'm moving to Australia. I'm sorry." She didn't sound very sorry. She thought that this payback would be enough for him leaving her. Letting her hand drop, he stood up. The happy look that he'd had while telling her that he loved her was gone. His eyes were cold and hard, and his mouth was drawn. She saw this and immediately regretted not breaking it to him more gently. What she'd done to him was ten times worse than what he'd done to her. He'd told her that he loved her. She'd rejected him anyway, without a second thought. At least, that was what he thought.  
  
"I hope that you and Brumby are very happy together. Have a nice life." With that, he walked to the door and left, leaving her sitting there alone. I hope that he cheats on her. He didn't want to hurt her, but he hated Brumby and now her. The love that he'd felt was pushed aside and replaced by an ache that throbbed and killed him from the inside. He looked around the Bullpen, to his old office, now Brumby's. That guy had replaced him, and taken from him the only woman that he had ever truly loved, the love of his life. He didn't need her if she didn't need him. Looking around, he was bombarded by memories that made the hole in his heart big enough to fly a Tomcat through. He numbly headed to the Admiral's office. When he heard the gruff call to enter, he walked in. He needed to talk to someone about this, and Mac was obviously not an option. He stood at attention in front of AJ's desk.  
  
"How can I help you, Commander?" Harm tried not to let the Admiral see the tears rolling down his face. AJ saw them anyway and went into Dad mode. He closed his office door and went back over to Harm, who had dropped into a chair and started sobbing, head in his hands. AJ sat down in the other chair, and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
  
"You want to transfer out of here so you don't have to remember her. I know." Harm nodded, still crying. "Son, you're going to get through this. I know that you love her, but she's moved on and so should you. You can learn to live without her." Harm looked at him.  
  
"That's never going to happen. I'm going to be alone forever now. She was the one." AJ sighed. Harm would want to stay when he calmed down, but Mac's leaving was going to scar him for the rest of his life. Another good man down the drain, broken by love. AJ would look out for Harm, and help him out like he was his own son. Harm would get through this. Hopefully.  
  
Harm's Apartment North of Union Station  
  
Harm had somehow managed to get out of JAG without seeing Mac or Brumby. Thank god. The pain from earlier was now laced with anger, and he was not a very pleasant person to be around now. He had a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand, and thought that it was ironic that he was mourning the loss of a recovered alcoholic with alcohol. It wasn't like he cared about making her comfortable anymore, because as she had so bluntly pointed out, she had someone else to do that now. She really didn't need him. That was okay. She'd been a weakness for him, which he didn't need. His father was enough. He heard a knock on the door. Darn. If he could hear that, he wasn't drunk yet. That was all he wanted, to get away. His life was over, but he didn't think that suicide was a very honorable death, and he didn't want to dishonor his father. He rose off the couch, walking over to the door with the bottle of Jack still in hand. He didn't smell of the alcohol, because he'd only taken one drink. He didn't look drunk either, so he thought that answering the door would be okay. He opened it, and automatically wished that he hadn't. There stood Mac, looking pretty as ever.  
  
"What do you want?" He asked rather harshly. She didn't deserve to have him be nice anymore, even if he did love her. She winced, like she'd been physically struck.  
  
"Harm, I need to talk to you." She said firmly. He snorted.  
  
"I don't want to talk to you. I'd rather keep the rest of my heart intact, if you don't mind. I think that you've caused me enough grief today. Don't you?" He said again, harshly.  
  
"Harm, are you drunk?" Mac asked, concerned. What had she done to him?  
  
"I wish. I've only had a couple of drinks. I would offer you some, but you know... Besides, that might hurt your feelings. God forbid I would hurt your feelings. Is that all, Colonel?" He sneered. The icy tone that was under his words shocked her. She really had hurt him. She had to stay civil.  
  
"I just wanted to say goodbye. We'll probably never see each other again. I'm leaving for Australia tomorrow." Harm smirked.  
  
"Like I said before, have a nice life. It was nice knowing you." He couldn't close the door on her, though. He wanted to, but he couldn't. She stepped forward and kissed him softly on the lips. The kiss quickly got out of hand, and she pulled away from him and backed into the hallway.  
  
"I shouldn't have done that. Goodbye, Harm." She was gone. Somewhere in the back of his head, Harm heard the Admiral's warning from that afternoon; 'Never look back, Commander.' As he was closing his door, he looked back and saw her in the elevator crying. The doors closed and she was gone.  
  
*********************** Harm's Apartment North of Union Station 0755 EST  
  
Harm shot up in bed. He was late for work. Rushing around, he tried to forget that Sarah was gone. He was heartbroken, upset at himself for leaving her. If he could turn back time, he would never have returned to carrier duty. Especially if it had meant that he would get to tell Sarah that he loved her before she moved on. If only...  
  
*********************** JAG Headquarters Falls Church, Virginia 0830 EST  
  
Harm pulled into his parking space quickly. Glancing over at Mac's old parking space, he was shocked to see that her car was there. He hurried into the building, thinking that she'd forgotten something and had to come back.  
  
When he reached his floor, she was there. Beautiful.  
  
"Harm, you okay?" She asked, pulling him gently out of the elevator when he just stood there staring at her.  
  
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. Uh, what are you doing here?" He stammered. She looked at him, eyebrows raised.  
  
"Um, I work here?" She said, sarcastically. He looked at her incredulously.  
  
"No, you were going to Australia with Brumby." She looked at him quizzically, then placed a hand on his forehead.  
  
"No, I don't even like Brumby, remember? I'd never go anywhere with him willingly. Harm, are you sure you're okay?" He shook his head.  
  
"No, when I changed my designator back to JAG after flying for a few months, you said that you were going with Mic, that you loved him." She stared at him, wide-eyed.  
  
"Harm, you didn't go back to flying. You're still considering it, remember?" Harm shook his head again, this was impossible.  
  
"Are you serious?" She nodded this time, concern flooding her features.  
  
"So you've decided to go back to flying, huh?" This was what he'd been afraid of. He was leaving her. Suddenly, he grabbed her shoulders, holding her in front of him.  
  
"Mac! What's the date today?" He asked. She wasn't sure why he was so excited about the date.  
  
"August 6." She answered. His eyes went wide. He couldn't believe it, he was back to the day before he'd decided to go back to carrier duty. It was all a dream. All those months of flying, telling Mac that he loved her, even her leaving had all been a nightmare. He didn't intend to make the nightmare come true.  
  
"Come with me." He took her hand, forgetting about protocol for this one time. He led her to his office, closing the door behind him.  
  
"Harm, what's wrong with you? You're scaring me." He let her hand go, rubbing the back of his neck.  
  
"Mac, I had a dream that I went back to active flight status, and then came back and found out that you were moving to Australia with Mic. That would've ruined my life anyway, but what made it worse was-" He couldn't say it, he paused. Mac stepped close to him, looking into his blue-green eyes.  
  
"What, Harm? What made it worse?" He swallowed visibly.  
  
"You left even though I told you that I was in love with you." She backed away a little, stunned by this sudden turn in events.  
  
"Wow, Sailor, that was some dream. Dreaming that you're in love with me..." She tried to smile, not succeeding.  
  
"Sarah, I am in love with you. That was the heartbreaking part." She didn't look sure, didn't seem convinced.  
  
"Harm, I'm sure that you're just freaked out by the dream, don't say something that you don't mean-" He reached out, grabbed her around the waist and kissed her with more passion than either of them had ever felt. When they pulled away, she wrapped her arms around his waist and smiled.  
  
"Do you really love me?" She whispered. Harm couldn't help but smile, she was so beautiful.  
  
"Yes, yes I do. I'm sorry I never told you." She rested her forehead on his, closing her eyes.  
  
"I love you too. I always have." Harm squeezed her, kissing the tip of her nose.  
  
"I'm glad I had that dream." He whispered.  
  
"Me too, Harm, me too." 


End file.
